A Million Different Ways

We found an old typewriter in my husband’s granddad’s shed as we were cleaning it out one afternoon. Apparently it had belonged to “Grandpa”, as we called him, back in his earlier days when he worked for the postal service.  The small but heavy piece of equipment didn’t work, but something about it struck me as beautiful and we kept it displayed in our living room in Austin and now in Colorado.

When my mom was in hospice care in my home we had conversations about how she wasn’t ready for “it” to be over. “It” being life here on earth, as if she was potentially leaving somethings left undone. I didn’t put it all together until after she passed, past the funeral, past the burial, past the grieving and all of the hard things that follow. It was the book, The Five Regrets of the Dying, that helped put some things together to give me some insight. The author had walked alongside many, many people in their end of life experiences and, according to her, the number one regret people have as they are facing such a time is this “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

I rummaged through remembered conversations with my mom over the years. She was a beautiful soul saved and changed by grace, a loyal friend and mom, a hard worker, very forgiving, a prayer warrior. She loved to laugh and have coffee and always applied lipstick before entering most public places. And I wish she was here so I could ask her her greatest dream. We never had conversations like that and parts of me are not quite sure she let herself really dream. She was practical, reliable, and got stuff done, but still, were there things she had wanted to try or pursue and didn’t? Don’t get me wrong, she followed after Jesus boldly with a pure and holy passion. But with that, I know there were potentially untapped dreams within her. Big or small. It all has got me wondering if there are untapped dreams within me? Within all of us? Why do we have such a tendency, at times, to put things off?

Shawn Bueche